Every year is different. This year the Lord has allowed some unique and very challenging situations for me to walk through. It has often felt like I’m losing way more than I’m winning. Sometimes it felt fake to smile. Sometimes I felt too angry to pray. Too sad to sing. Too scared to move. But I did it anyway.

I clung to Jesus this year and I am so incredibly thankful for His grace. Sometimes I sit with Him and just think about all that has transpired this year. So many random, unrelated hard things and I try my best to piece it all together to even get a glimpse of the big picture. I usually end up shaking my head and saying, “I don’t get it Lord. But you are enough for me and I trust you.”

I work with the missions program for elementary age kids at our church on Wednesday nights. The kids are as loud and energetic as they are smart and hilarious. I love it. The other week I got really brave and decided to try a Modge Podge craft with them. (I have since vowed to never do that again.) We were pasting silk leaves and small squares of colored tissue paper onto glass mason jars. The jars were basically just a sticky, gloopy, white mess. The kids would kind of tilt their heads and look at their jar, look at me with scrunched up eyebrows and ask “Is this what it’s supposed to look like?” I had to explain over and over again that it wasn’t finished yet. Once the glue dried, it would be clear. Then we wouldn’t see the mess any more, we would see the beautiful paper underneath. And when we put a light inside the jar, it would be even more beautiful. It was so hard for them to understand but most of them would shrug their shoulders and have the “if you say so” attitude.

The next day, the jars were just as I had said. They were all dried and now they were a beautiful masterpiece! Since that moment, I’ve had several times of reflection over those silly jars. I feel like I’m one of those jars still in the process of being made. God has given me some unexpected and scary challenges this year. It’s like he places a piece of tissue paper on me and slathers some Modge Podge on top. It’s sticky and messy and ugly. But I get through it and think the pretty colors are finally starting to shine through, only to realize the artist isn’t done yet. He slaps on another piece of paper and more Modge Podge. Over and over again this has been my year. One trial after the other.

For the most part, I have clung tight to my Lord and trusted Him because I know He is FOR me. Everything is for my good and His glory. At this point in the process, I still feel like a sticky, goopy mess. But when He is done with me, I’m going to be beautiful. Each layer he adds will bring more color, more beauty, more value.

In moments of weakness it’s easy to be overwhelmed with the weight of it all. It’s often in those moments, I start listing all of the things that are good and right and true in my life. Often out loud, I start praising God for all He has done for me. (This seems to happen a lot in the car and my children have asked me dozens of times if I’m talking to myself again. *grin*) God has blessed me and my husband and my family with some really amazing things this year. We have served together, traveled together and made some really wonderful memories together. These were moments when the storm clouds opened and the light shone through to my heart. Treasures that I will hold onto forever.

My story isn’t over yet. In fact, there’s still more questions and more medical testing and more waiting to come. God is still working on adding more layers of beauty to my life.

But if I raise my eyes up… beyond the betrayal, beyond the embarrassment, beyond the pain, beyond the loss, beyond the fear, way beyond the confusion… I see the cross. I don’t know the pain and hardships you all are dealing with. Everyone’s trials are a little bit different. But you see, to tell you my story is to tell of Him. Cling to Jesus because I can tell you for sure, he’s a good, good Father.